Episode 2: There Shall Be No Beginning to Your Woes
Station Note: It is believed that an earlier episode of Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing was produced, but no trace of such footage has been found, whether stored in our program archives or jammed in our plumbing. We therefore kick off the series with its better-preserved second episode, no doubt prompting a lively debate among MCSoN diehards on the issue of the pilot episode’s canonicity.
Announcer: What! Illin’ in the hood, gettin’ nasty with the Philosophy Posse – it’s Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing, dawg!
Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…
Announcer: Now, y’all be layin’ out the ‘spect for yo host, Marika Bling Crib Pimp Byatch E-lady!
Marika: Word to your mother announcer guy *wink* Why hello there all my home boys, home girls and viewers at home *chuckle* We have a hip hoppin’, pill poppin’ show for you today featuring Vanilla Ice’s cousin, Mocha Slushie; Nutty the water-skiing squirrel (and his trainer); and Nina, our wood-working diva, will show us how to build a birdhouse out of fishing wire, peanut butter, Cheerios and praying mantises! Let’s get this ghetto blast going with our first guest!
Mocha Slushie: Hello, Marika. I see you have a desk. That reminds me of a funny story involving my two-year-old son.
Mocha Slushie: Actually, I don’t have a son, but my agent said toddler anecdotes always kill.
Marika: So after your terribly short career in the music business, you have resorted to the merciless killing of American civilians with toddlers. Is that what is to be understood by your agent’s statement?
Mocha Slushie: What? Did I just – hey, you know who sucks? George Bush!
Audience: Boo! Hiss! Moo! Moo? Booo!!!
Mocha Slushie: Phew! Dodged that awkward question. So, Marika, are you going to plug my book, or…
Marika: I’m getting there you eager beaver you! So you’ve got this book out, selling in Starbucks around the world. Why don’t you remind our viewers of its title and what it means to you!
Mocha Slushie: It’s called Slushin’ Around: My Life as a Legitimate Artist. In it I shout out to my relatives, friends, acquaintances and delivery people, then talk about how I met various celebrities in bars and rehab clinics. Oh yeah, and there’s a bit about my music, too. Basically, I wrote this book because I felt my fans needed to relate to me on a more intimate level. That and I’m broke.
Marika: Did they not fix that in rehab? The being broke? *concerned Oprah-like look*
Mocha Slushie: Nah, I didn’t get into that good rehab where they hand out money. They made me talk about my crippling childhood traumas and then sent me out on my ass – without my coping drugs!
Marika: And by drugs you meant hugs no doubt, hehe. Hugs from friends and family heeheehee *nervous glance at network execs* Speaking of which, how are things with your cousin Vanilla Ice who –
Audience: *cheers loudly*
Marika: – who surpassed you in terms of popularity and recognition, and not to mention is ten times richer than you’ll ever be.
Mocha Slushie: He doesn’t return my calls. Actually, we’ve been a little distant ever since that “Vanilla-Mocha Swirl” TV special. Okay, so they were engaged. She still looked like any backup dancer to me! As for his popularity, I think it’s obvious that he has a small penis.
Marika: That was my next question actually: do you think he will ever come back into the public eye after his 1993 comeback special where an overzealous fan pantsed him on a live broadcast?
Mocha Slushie: You never know with Vanilla. Despite his bland namesake, he’s a bold fellow. He’ll do anything, anytime, for no reason. Does that make him a jackass? Yes, probably. *sips water*
Marika: That’s not actually the water we provided. Here, let me take that vodka from you there. There you go, water is much better. *passes Mocha Slushie a sippy cup* Well, Mocha, thanks for coming on our show today and best of luck.
*Stage helpers take a drunk Mocha Slushie offstage as he drools and yells obscenities*
Mocha Slushie: …jealous… he was ALWAYS jealouss… Snappin’ loser wacko bum-face!!
Marika: Our next guest is hairy, athletic, was on Person magazine’s Thirty Hottest Creatures list and is only a few inches tall. Say hello to Nutty the water-skiing squirrel!!! – and his trainer.
Nutty: Tstn tstn tstn! (animal tongue-clicking noises)
His Trainer: That there’s Nutty-talk for “Hello!”
Marika: He sounds so educated! So Nutty, tell me how you knew water-skiing was for you? When did you start?
Nutter: Tstn tstn, tstntn tstn-tst-tsntn tstn…
His Trainer: As a child… I was rescued from a woodland environment… and brought to my new home… at Goodwell Chemical Industries, Inc. There, I was… injected with… salt water and SPF-30… for many months.
Marika: Wow! That seems like a beautiful story: uplifting, inspirational, nutritional and crunchy. I read in your thirty-page autobiography that your seventeen siblings were shipped off to Peru to work in peanut butter factories. How does it make you feel knowing that while you are doing publicity stunts, your own flesh and blood are churning peanuts into butter for – well – peanuts a day?
Nutty: Tstn tstn tstn tstnt-TSTNT!
His Trainer: They’re surrounded by peanuts… I have to eat protein mush… ‘nuff said!
His Trainer: …Ah, can you edit that out? Nutty’s been a little surly lately. It’s mating season, you see, and Goodwell Chemical Industries removed his “fun parts” last week.
Marika: Well, I’m sorry to hear that. That must have really cramped your style! How has that affected you with the ladies? Do they not wanna get busy with you? What does the typical lady squirrel think of androgyny?
His Trainer: Well, ah, Goodwell has provided the necessary substitutes. Did you know Tom Green is a licensed animal fondler now? …Anyway, I’m sure your audience can’t wait to see Nutty do his water-skiing trick…
Audience: Yayy! *applause*
Marika: Oh yeah – that. I think Nutty can speak for himself, trainer person. *big booming announcer voice* LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! TODAY AND TODAY ONLY, I PRESENT TO YOU: NUTTY THE WATER-SKIING SQUIRREL!!!
*A platform with KFC bucket filled with water rises from below the stage. A cute scruffy squirrel is on the water, equipped with skis and a little helmet.*
Nutty: I will now perform for you my hilarious, fatally dangerous, and adorable trick. Watch as I am dragged across this bucket of greasy water by a battery-powered toy boat. Be amazed.
*Trainer flicks switch on toy boat; Nutty goes around the bucket a few times, does a backflip*
His Trainer: Huh? …YOU STUPID RAT! IT’S HOP-SKIP, THEN BACKFLIP!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!
Marika: All right, all right, no need to get upset hehe. Why don’t we all calm down. By the way, Nutty, you speak excellent English for a squirrel. Where did you learn that?
Nutty: Where else but at the SYLVAN LEARNING CENTRE? *smile with little sparkle and “ding” noise*
Marika: Well, thank you very much for your time, Nutty! We’ll have to see you again soon!
*Trainer puts Nutty back in his cage. Nutty bites his finger*
Marika: It’s now time for Nina’s crazy antics! What are you making for us today, Nina? I hear it’s for the birds and it rhymes with mouse! *winks towards the screen* ha ha. Show us how to do it!
Nina: Woohoo! Okay people, we’re going to make a funky flat for our feathered friends using a bunch of random crap. You’ll need a powerful glue gun. They take a few minutes to heat up, so in the meantime I’ll just do a little dance. *rolls up top, starts belly-dancing to “Hey Ya”*
*Audience gets out of their seats and does the same – including an obese balding man with an uncanny resemblance to George from Seinfeld in the back row*
Marika: All right people, take it easy hehe. Nina, why don’t you tell us what else to do.
Nina: Sure thing, Mackie. First, use the fishing wire to choke and tie up each praying mantis. When they’re not prayin’ no more, smear them with peanut butter and assemble them in the shape of a teepee, or “red-skin shack.” Have some of the legs stick out as perches. Use more wire to make a bottom and a little hook. Fill the thing with Cheerios and hang in your favourite tree! Oh yeah, don’t forget to replace the mantises every couple of weeks. They tend to get infested with aphids.
Marika: Phenomenal! Amazing! This concludes another episode of Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing. Join us next time for more rip roarin’ fun!
*Singer pokes him the eye*
Announcer: OW! Motherf– oh, uh… All guests on Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing are lodged in the sickest crib in the D to the L. S., G-Lad’s Perm TeachBox on the tri-level, yo! Catering provided by Shawarma Palace. Shawarma Palace: It ain’t really a palace, but the chairs are nice.
END OF EPISODE 2