Episode 5: Shellfish Ambition

by misterneener

Station Note: After the misfire of Épisode Quatre, the MCSoN team took the show back to its non-threatening English-Canadian roots. The return to form was well-received; in the words of Hilroy’s social media intern, “Great job @CrapShow for choosing #Hilroy Non-Recycled Blueline Classic®.” Overwhelmed by the tens of Google Alerts prompted by the episode, Marika briefly succumbed to a Honduran shrimp bowl addiction before seeking treatment from her shaman.


Announcer: Dewdrops quiver, clinging to the hairs on the ear of a calf. AWAKEN, pale sun, and free the night’s tear from her body’s own prison of form! EVAPORATE, noble drop, EVAPORATE into the –

*Producer takes away announcer’s script, turns it over, gives it back*

Announcer: …oh. Oh, the show, right. Whatever. It’s Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing.

Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…

Announcer: Here’s your host – who doesn’t have a certificate in creative writing from the community centre, by the way – Marika.

Marika: Uh… thank you, I think. Have we got a show for you today! Do we? *producer walks over and whispers* We have got a show for you today! Go figure. We are gonna have the guy who groomed Buddy, the dog from Air Bud; Jerry Seinfeld’s twin brother Gary, fresh off his first comedy tour entitled Why Him?! Oh God Why!; and finally, Nina will make us a bowl of shrimp… literally made of shrimp. Brody Selleck, come on out!

Brody: Marika! It’s been so long! Your hair is so dark and glossy today. Have you been eating those Pedigree bones I mailed you?

Marika: You got me there! Ha ha. So I’m told Buddy would chew those bones on set. Is that true?

Brody: *chuckles* Yeah, that Buddy loved his bones. He couldn’t get enough of them! In fact, he got so obese we had to put him down and replace him with Buddy II. Good thing all golden retrievers look the same! Buddy II was much smarter than Buddy I, but his tail wasn’t as silky and bright. *stares into distance*

Marika: And being his groomer, you had to deal with that every day – his tail not being silky or even bright enough…

Brody: Yes, I missed that tail… With Buddy II, I tried everything: avocado oil, Swedish spring water, daily massages by monks, protein paste… Nothing worked. So if you watch the film, you’ll find yourself inexplicably depressed all through the second half. Your mind perceives the tail’s dullness, though you may not consciously notice it.

Marika: Where did you find monks on such short notice? My shaman suggested I hire some actually. Is it true that they prefer to get paid with sesame seeds rather than actual money?

Brody: I don’t know where you heard that. I found a monastery in the Yellow Pages – Enlightenmentco – and they take VISA and Mastercard. And they really screw you on the blessing charges, let me tell you. But their massages are melt-worthy!

Marika: Awesome. Thank you for coming on the show today. I hear you have a facial at two, so we won’t keep you. Good luck with your next film The Kiwi and the Sasquatch.

Brody: I look forward to the unique aesthetic challenges that these two unique creatures present.

Marika: Goodbye now. *turns to the camera* Our next guest is a funny, funny guy who goes by the name of Seinfeld, you may have heard of him–

*Crowd goes WILD hugging one another and cheering*

Marika: –Gary Seinfeld, yay.

*Crowd falls silent*

Marika: Oh come on, guys. Gary come on out, hehe.

Gary: Helloooo! Lah lah lahh… I made up that voice you know. I used to drive Jerry nuts with it as a kid. Then he goes and steals it!

Marika: No one saw that one coming. So how does it feel to have your own tour?

Gary: It’s good to finally try out my own material. Most people are familiar with my brother’s observational humour; I’m more into morbid monologues full of disease and severed limbs. The teenagers today are all over it.

Marika: Does it bother you at all that your brother is rolling in money even though he doesn’t necessarily try to cater to the youth of today, while you are still behind on many of your bills, your landlord has shut off your hot water, and your fiancée has left you after two and a half years?

Gary: Uh… well, as I always say, we’re all going to die and rot someday, so material possessions are devoid of meaning. *waits for laughter* Yeah. Tough crowd. Heh heh… But seriously, Jerry and I get along fine. If he wants to lounge around in his giant mansion with his young wife and piles of cash without ever sending a cheque, well, that’s fine with me.

Marika: And now that’s the true meaning of family, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a beautiful thing: even if Jerry Seinfeld is the most famous comedian of our time, his brother Gary does not feel jealous. Well thank you very much for dropping by. *pats him on back* *turns toward camera* And you can catch Gary’s show tonight at Harold’s Great Crab Shack on Fifth Avenue. I’m sure we are all very excited. I’m very excited… *voice trails off*

Audience: *someone coughs*

Gary: Oh, go to heck. *stomps off angrily*

Marika: All right! All you gals and pals are gonna love what Nina has for us today. It’s useful AND smelly!

Nina: Hey hey! Well, spring is in the air, and you know what that means–

Audience Member: PONY RIDES!!!! *breathes heavily*

Nina: …Um, yes, pony rides, but I was going to say “patio parties”! And you just can’t have one of those without some sort of defrosted crustacean.

Marika: That’s exactly right, Nina. Why, just the other day I was at a patio party, thinking “This party has a significant lack of defrosted crustacean!” I had a terrible time. *turns to camera* Thanks again Sandra for organizing that. So Nina, show us how we do this!

Nina: Right-o mate! First, defrost the contents of a President’s Choice Shrimp Ring overnight. You may be tired the next morning due to sleepless anticipation, so have some coffee ready. Put the shrimp in a blender and turn it into pink pulp.

Marika: Yum! How will our viewers resist the temptation to eat it right away?

Nina: They should be aware that eating shrimp while the tongue is still coated in coffee is a poisonous snack! But if they choose to go on with the recipe, they must mix two eggs into the shrimp to make the whole thing sculptable. Grease the outside of a small bowl and shape the pulp over it, then bake for forty minutes at 350 F°. Then remove your edible, now-crispy bowl and do something with it.

Marika: Do you have any examples of what bowls like this have been used for in the past? I’m told they have some sort of historical value.

Nina: That’s right. There are passages in Plato’s Republic to suggest that Socrates stored his Cheez Whiz in shrimp bowls. They were also used as helmets by Napoleon’s army. Today, they are ideal to serve candy, cereal or salads. They make excellent cheap wedding gifts – you can make a whole set!

Marika: I was just about ready to get married just to get a shrimp bowl of my own, but now I don’t have to! Thank you very much Nina! Look under your seats everyone, because each member of our audience today will receive a set of shrimp bowls made by Honduran pygmies. Good day everyone!

*Audience goes wild*

Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…

Announcer: All guests on Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing are lodged in the dank, vermin-infested basement of the Château Laurier, side by side with all of Jean Chrétien’s former political enemies. This episode was brought to you by The Name of the Rose. The Name of the Rose: “Who Says Monks Can’t be Sexy?”