Episode 6: Only the Good Die Young… And Also, This.
Station Note: The final episode of MCSoN’s original run featured resident craft guru Nina as guest host (covering for Marika, still in crab bowl rehab but officially making “appearances” at suspiciously witness-free charity functions). Nina ran a smooth show, while Antisocial Earl raised the “useless and disgusting” bar yet higher with his DIY segment. But the show’s core audience of conservative, middle-class families rejected these non-Marikan faces, leading to an abrupt cancellation.
Announcer: Howdy! Hello! How goes it! Welcome to an all new…
Singers: ♪ Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!… ♪
Announcer: We have a special show for you today because our usual host Marika is making a public appearance at the opening of the Saint-Pamplemousse school for the hearing-, seeing-, smelling-, feeling-impaired. Replacing her is our very own Nina (*muttering*) who will make freakish things? Here she is! Nina, come on out!
Nina: Well howdy and welcome to the show everyone! I’ve gotta say, when Marika asked me to host the show for her, I said “Great! Now I won’t have to kill you and forge a final request note as I’d planned.” You see, hosting Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing is equal in prestige, in my eyes, to proclaiming myself Queen of the Aztecs…
*Sound guy whacks Nina’s head with mic pole*
Nina: Whoops! That’s the signal to shut up and hostify. Well, today we have Cindy Fay, writer of Christian romance novels; Stan “Shortstop” Michaels, a man with two stomachs; and finally, Antisocial Earl will teach us how to make cute mould sculptures! So Cindy, come on out!
*Cindy walks out and shakes everyone in the front row’s hand*
Cindy: God bless! God bless us! *extends a large wooden cross on a string to Nina that totally clashes with her outfit*
Nina: *low hiss* …Hah, sorry, just my vampire infection. Very mild. So, Cindy darling, what exactly is a Christian romance novel?
Cindy: *pointing at Nina’s cross* Try it on! Try it on! A Christian romance novel is the Lord’s way of brainwashing obese, ugly believers into thinking there is another human being who wants to share their life and soul with them. *giggle, modest smile*
*Nina reluctantly puts on cross; her neck instantly breaks out in hives*
Nina: Oh, that’s lovely. So brainwashing, huh? That sounds about right. I have a copy of your newest book here… that’s a great cover, with the menacing nun watching over the lovers in their bedroom… why don’t you tell us about it?
Cindy: Well, as you might have assumed by the fact that they share a bedroom, Ezekiel and Mary are married and do not support gay marriages. Élise, the nun, is there to guide them in their spiritual journey toward salvation. The “I Heart Jesus” babydoll you see Mary wearing was an Easter gift from all the other sisters in the monastery. Ezekiel likes it for its message. *waves at camera* I just want to give a joyous shout-out to “Stompin’” Father Steve and Pastor McGregor at the St. Lethargy parish.
Nina: Wow, that sounds… fun! And since our network censor isn’t in today, why don’t you read us one of your steamy sex scenes?
Cindy: “…And united in their faith and love they chose to pray for their very first child. They then completed the marital… um… *blushes* the marital… *clears throat* …act, with the baby Jesus, our Lord and Saviour in mind the whole time. They then bowed their heads in shame for having taken part in such ‘earthly pleasures’ and felt their self-respect grow in such repentance.” That was embarrassing! Hee hee hee. *kneels and prays* Amen.
Nina: Thank you, Cindy, that was deeply arousing! I think I’ll start going to church again this week… well, good luck to you, and praise Allah.
Cindy: Ugh? I don’t understand?
Nina: It’s probably better that way. Now, please welcome our next guest – scram, Cindy! – Stan “Shortstop” Michaels! He’s got two stomachs and MAN! LOOK AT THAT GUT!!
Stan: Whatchyou lookin’ at! Hunh! HUNH! Yo Ninaz whatsup! Whatsup withyou?
Nina: Oh, nothing much. Shaved my head, stuffed a pillow… by the way, I just made up that “Shortstop” nickname earlier, but I think I’ll change it to “Homer…” seems appropriate. *pokes Stan’s belly-button*
Stan: Stop it. I’ll rip you apart. *crazy eyes* *one eye drifts sideways*
Nina: Okay, I’ve had my fun. So Stan… when did you find out about the stomach thing? Or did you have it surgically implanted?
Nina: …um… So let’s say you were three, okay, sounds good… Would you say that being digestively enhanced has affected your life significantly?
Stan: Yeah *eye wanders again* yeah it affected things *grunt*
Nina: It affected things? Hah! That’s outrageous! I never would have thought that. You must have some killer acid reflux. Anyway, Stan, what are you some of your plans for the future?
Stan: I was going to eat a sandwich later… and then maybe a bumper.
Nina: Fantastic. Good iron content. Um… that’s all the time we have for Stan. We’ll be back with Earl right after this commercial!
Stan: Okay. *wandering eye*
– COMMERCIAL –
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– BACK TO THE SHOW –
Nina: Yum-yum, china chunks. Well, usually at this point of the show, I’d be putting my years of artistic training to good use by making styrofoam underwear or something to that effect. But luckily for you, Antisocial Earl will be doing that today! How ya doin’ Earl?
Earl: Me? Is this what we were talking about Thursday? You want ME on the show? Where is Marika? This is the right show, isn’t it? *nervous laugh* This is Monsieur Guénette’s classroom, is it not? Did you see my favourite mug? I think I left it last time… *turns and notices the camera in his face* Oh… hi. *stares at his feet*
Nina: So I guess you’ve switched antidepressants again. At least you’re not as surly. So, I see you’ve brought some of your mould sculptures. Do you have a theme happening here? *picks up a miniature mould kitten*
Earl: “Things that can be found in Nina’s lunchbox.” Like mould! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! *stares at feet again*
Nina: That’s great. I was wondering what happened to that lunchbox. Why don’t you tell our viewers at home how to make their own sculptures?
Earl: Well it’s very simple really. You gather as much mould as you can from various sources. Some people choose to wear gloves at this point but real troopers use their bare hands *camera zooms in on Earl’s hands, with mouldy fingernails* And once you gather enough mould, you roll it into a ball and then… you THROW IT AT UNSUSPECTING AUDIENCE MEMBERS!
Earl: Just kidding, I’m just kidding you guys. It’s just a joke. So then you take a fork to mend it into a shape you like – like a kitty cat. “Meow, meow.” *licks hand* And then you freeze it. *big grin*
Nina: Wow! Creatively disgusting. What a cute kitty! What other sculptures do you have here?
Earl: I made one of a hand *shows hand* That’s my hand. I’m just kidding about that. I made the Eiffel Tower, and I made a tree, and I made a sandwich, but Darryl from marketing ate it before the show. Heeheehee.
Nina: Well, there you have it, folks: another unstable genius who never sold a single piece. Tragic, really. And our thoughts here at the studio go out to Darryl, who was rushed to the hospital earlier. Thank you, Earl. You can go back to the band now to play the song!
Singers: ♪ Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!… ♪
Earl: FEATURING EARL! *gets pulled off stage while muttering* I’m Earl, that’s me. I’m Earl from the show…
Announcer: All guests on Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing were clothed by Grandma Mavis’s Closet, where quilts are sexy again! Living accommodations are provided by Earl’s mother.
END OF EPISODE 6
Station Note: Will Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing ever return? Stay tuned — or… you know… plan to tune in again eventually, if possible — to find out!