Season Two – Episode 1: Reunited and it Feels So Good
Station Note: MCSoN met an early demise after Marika’s tragic struggle with crustacean addiction part way through Season One. The ensuing episode, guest hosted by Nina, led to the series’ abrupt cancellation, having featured more of Antisocial Earl than the audience cared to see. The long awaited reboot got picked up by Netflix and, remarkably, features all of the original cast members. Will MCSoN live to see a Season finale? You decide…
S.2 EPISODE 1
Announcer: Weeee’re back! With another season of…
Singers: ♪ Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!… ♪
Announcer: Now please welcome your host, crustacean-free since 2013, Maaarika!
The crowd stands up and applauds loudly as Marika walks on set waving, smiling a humble smile.
Marika: Thank y–
The crowd keeps clapping, Marika gives them a half-bow and mouths ‘Namaste’.
Marika: Thank you, Th– *the crowd roars* THANK YOU – Thank you so much. Please, sit down. Sit down! Your height intimidates me… Thank you. Namaste. *Marika bows solemnly* I’m honoured that you’re joining us for this second – hopefully complete –season of MCSoN. We have an amazing show for you today. We have the whole crew back with us today. It’s a REUNION! *Crowd cheers* We have the MCSoN Singers, *Cheering continues* We have that Wacky Wittler of Miscellaneous Crap NINA *The audience goes wild, hooting and hollering, waving tree bark and throwing up handfuls of dead praying mantises* WE HAVE – We have Antisocial Earl! *Lone hoot, followed by awkward silence*
Antisocial Earl: That’s not very—*farts*
*The audience roars with laughter; Earl sighs; Earl’s drummer, Ambitious Al, cackles behind him; the same person hoots again*
Antisocial Earl: Mother, can you please just wait in the car?
Ambitious Al: Ha! Maybe YOU should wait in the car, eh, Earl? And then maybe SOMEONE ELSE could be bandleader, huh? Maybe THE LONGTIME DRUMMER OF THIS SHOW should get his name on the sign outside, y’know?
Antisocial Earl: Real subtle, Aleister.
Marika: Oh Earl. Other guy… We’ve all missed this delightful and witty banter, and there will be much MUCH more, I promise. But first, let’s hear from our resident refurbisher, our creative crafter, our uplifting upcycler… you know who she is, you can smell the PVA glue in the air… she’s been busy… fresh from the witness stand at the inquiry into that suspicious upholstery factory fire… Iiiiit’s Ninaaaaaaaaa!
*nothing happens for a good fifteen seconds; Marika jokingly glances at her watch a couple of times*
Nina: *sprinting onto the stage* …Hey there! *pant* I was just— *pant* in the— *pant* green room, and I— *gasp* didn’t realize I was on first tonight! *huff* Next time there’s a format change, maybe give me a heads up, Mackerdoodle. Hahhhh. Phew. Okay. Time to hit the gym. But first! I’ve got a fantabulous project for ages eight to eight hundred and eighty-eight.
*begins unbuttoning the pockets of her cargo pants, withdrawing various items*
Nina: As you can see, we’re going to need cotton balls, a glue gun, a set of acrylic fingernails (please select the jazziest available design), a large piece of driftwood, two ounces of vodka, some orange felt, a Jack in the Box with the Jack removed, and the official soundtrack of Operation Dumbo Drop. I’m sure you can all see where I’m going with this!
Marika: Well, this is embarrassing *chuckle* …Speaking of format change, you’re here to be interviewed Nina… *Pauses, tilting her head in Nina’s direction and mouthing “yeesh”* That’s what “The Cast Tells All” means. But hey! Why don’t you get started and work on your wacky and wondrous craft as we chat.
*Nina isn’t listening as she is furiously trying to peel the plastic and bargain bin sticker off the soundtrack for Operation Dumbo Drop, with little in the form of nails and little success*
Marika: Let’s bring Earl over here and get this started. Come on over Earl!
*Earl shuffles over to the couch as the band plays Pink’s “Get the Party Started”*
Earl: Thank you all for that insincere applause. And hello again, boss. I gotta tell ya, it’s a relief to be back on the Crap Show set after all these years. It’s been tough finding work out there. No one wants a house band anymore – cheaper to bring in some talentless tofu-hugger with a Macbook Pro. There’s no respect for true professionals anymore. I know over twelve songs, but what does that amount to if he’s got thousands on his hard drive, huh? And no one’s into quality rants these days, either. At my last gig, I’d been going for barely forty minutes about the poor stitching of modern jeanswear before the host banned me from all future Amnesty International events.
Marika: Is that right… You know I recently MC’ed a benefit for St-Sebastian’s Under-the-Sea Center for Oceanic Creature Consumption Warranting Concern and – and…
*Marika furrows her brow searching for the intended end to her sentence*
Marika: Um …Nina! Nina, you’ve been doing some charity work since we were last here.
Nina: Hmm? *looks up from gluing cotton balls onto driftwood* …Oh – that! Yeah, I’ve started volunteering for several organizations, using my creativity for good causes. Recently I shot a pinup calendar for Ducks Unlimited, featuring twelve hunky, shirtless mallards. On the front it says, “Time to restore your wetlands!” Ha, ha.
*Marika chuckles uncomfortably*
Nina: I also organized a deer petting zoo for the Heart & Stroke Foundation. “Hart” and “stroke,” get it?
Nina: …Yeah, that was the overall response. We lost thousands of dollars. Ironically, I almost had a stroke myself when I saw those revenues! Ha! Ha! Ha!… heh… But anyway, yes, it’s been extremely rewarding.
Marika: Good. Now Nina, you asked us not to bring it up, but it’s fabulous for our ratings, so… you went through a breakup with a pretty high-profile celebrity last year.
*Nina yelps as she burns herself with the glue gun*
Marika: Remembering that we’re a family-friendly show, why don’t you tell us exactly what went down during that last fight, in the most excruciating detail possible.
Nina: It was a romance like no other: a tale of beauty and deceit, nectar and venom, peanut butter and jealousy. I was reaching for a cup sleeve at Tim Hortons when his hand brushed mine. Our eyes met; the world tilted; I’d never seen someone so handsome. He wordlessly offered his arm, and we went for a walk in the park, ’neath flowering plum trees wrapped in moonlight. After exchanging phone numbers and locks of hair, we parted at dawn, our hearts now beating in time. It seemed like an eternity before we reunited, one minute later, outside our respective public washrooms. “Let us never be betrayed by our bladders again!” I cried, and we vowed never to let another drop of liquid pass our lips. Days later, while we were both on IV drips at the hospital, he cheated on me with a female janitor, twice, while I wept on the other side of the curtain. And that’s why you should never fall for Danny DeVito, no matter how suavely he doffs his golf cap.
Marika: You did Rhea Pearlman a favor, really. Like I did that time I picked up her dry cleaning. *glancing over at Nina’s craft* So anyways, what is that you’re whittling? Is there any way our viewers could achieve the same result without using their teeth?
Earl: *speaking loudly* I’m still here ya know. I mean C’MON, Jimmy Fallon engages with that guy with the comb in his hair.
Al: I have a comb in my hair!
Earl: Shut up Aleister. It isn’t even the right kind of comb.
Al: You bite your tongue! It was my grandmother’s. It’s an heirloom. Rest in peace Gran-Gran…
*Al bows his head solemnly *
*Marika continues, as though nothing had happened*
Marika: So Nina, you were saying?
Nina: *spits out wood chips* Marika, if you and your lovely audience learn anything today, let it be this: tools are for fools. Home Hardware, Rona, Canadian Tire — all these crooks care about is your cash, period. But as you can see, any basic woodworking job, from sawing to sanding, can be done with just your incisors. That’s the gift our beaver ancestors left us.
Marika: Yes, there’s that. *Marika looks exasperatedly at the producer. The producer isn’t looking at Marika. He’s staring down his assistant’s blouse. She directs his attention to the stage, he looks up and gesticulates “wrap it up”* …Well Nina, I’m sure even the most beaver-like crafter can’t create such a beautiful, functional piece in just 48 minutes. Why don’t you pull out the finished product — and don’t worry all of you at home, the instructions to this, and all of Nina’s crafts, can be found on our website where you’ll find video tutorials from the Diva of Decoupage, our resident chocolatier Svetlana Chang, and more. The answers to life’s most burning questions can not be found anywhere. But you’ll at least find something entertaining on Crapshowofnothing.WordPress.com.
*Nina pulls her finished craft from beneath the counter.*
Marika: *gasps* She’s still got it!
Nina: If you’ve been following my inspirational blog, Everyone Who Has Wronged Me (And What They Deserve), you’ll recognize my fourth-grade school librarian, Madame Gireault. I’ve tooth-carved my driftwood into a crude approximation of her torso, neck and head. Up here, cotton balls represent her hair, and jazzy fingernails suggest eyes and a wide-open mouth. I’ve replicated her infamous polyester turtleneck by gluing the orange felt to the body. Easy-peasy!
*The audience claps appreciatively*
Nina: Now, here’s the fun part. We set our sculpture down into our Jackless box, like so. I’ve actually narrowed the bottom part to fit into the top of the spring, see? Then, we blast ourselves some Dumbo Drop, do our two shots of vodka, set the turtleneck on fire, turn the crank to simulate helpless thrashing, and laugh as we watch the witch burn. *turns the crank vigorously; the flaming sculpture lurches up and down* Pahahahaha! Now who can’t borrow more than six magazines at a time, eh?? Scream, you tyrant! Pahahahahahahaaaa! Isn’t this fun, guys?? *flinches as her hair nearly catches fire* Oh — uh… well, ha, the flames should… they should go down on their own in a sec, I think. They’re really putting on a show right now, though! Heh… oh — okay. I guess they’ve actually spread to the box now, so I’m going to stop cranking, but you get the idea. So, uh… yep! Try it at home, y’all!
*The sculpture suddenly falls over and ignites the carpet*
Al: Holy f–!
Marika: Come now Al, it’s a family show.
Nina: The censors may not like it, but it’s actually a natural reaction to this piece. I get it all the time.
Earl: It’s not the censors you idiots. It’s the fire ala–
*Sprinklers go off. Water drips down Marika’s face as she tries to act as if nothing is happening*
Marika: That wraps up the reunion episode of Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing! My thanks to Nina, Earl, Al–
*Shouts and grunts begin to emerge from the studio audience. An elderly woman shrieks as she falls over a railing to reveal Antisocial Earl pushing his way through the crowd to the emergency exit*
Marika: Fuck it! I didn’t spend all that time in rehab to burn to death in this hell h—
*A lone voice grows fainter in the distance*
Singer: ♪ Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!… ♪
END OF SEASON 2 EPISODE 1