Marika's Crap Show of Nothing

Unleashing the talk show host within

Season Two – Episode 1: Reunited and it Feels So Good

by Marika

Station Note: MCSoN met an early demise after Marika’s tragic struggle with crustacean addiction part way through Season One. The ensuing episode, guest hosted by Nina, led to the series’ abrupt cancellation, having featured more of Antisocial Earl than the audience cared to see. The long awaited reboot got picked up by Netflix and, remarkably, features all of the original cast members. Will MCSoN live to see a Season finale? You decide…


Announcer: Weeee’re back! With another season of…

Singers: ♪ Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!… ♪

Announcer: Now please welcome your host, crustacean-free since 2013, Maaarika!

The crowd stands up and applauds loudly as Marika walks on set waving, smiling a humble smile.

Marika: Thank y–

The crowd keeps clapping, Marika gives them a half-bow and mouths ‘Namaste’.

Marika: Thank you, Th– *the crowd roars* THANK YOU – Thank you so much. Please, sit down. Sit down! Your height intimidates me… Thank you. Namaste. *Marika bows solemnly* Im honoured that youre joining us for this second – hopefully complete –season of MCSoN. We have an amazing show for you today. We have the whole crew back with us today. Its a REUNION! *Crowd cheers* We have the MCSoN Singers, *Cheering continues* We have that Wacky Wittler of Miscellaneous Crap NINA *The audience goes wild, hooting and hollering, waving tree bark and throwing up handfuls of dead praying mantises* WE HAVE – We have Antisocial Earl! *Lone hoot, followed by awkward silence*

Antisocial Earl: That’s not very—*farts*

*The audience roars with laughter; Earl sighs; Earl’s drummer, Ambitious Al, cackles behind him; the same person hoots again*

Antisocial Earl: Mother, can you please just wait in the car?

Ambitious Al: Ha! Maybe YOU should wait in the car, eh, Earl? And then maybe SOMEONE ELSE could be bandleader, huh? Maybe THE LONGTIME DRUMMER OF THIS SHOW should get his name on the sign outside, y’know?

Antisocial Earl: Real subtle, Aleister.

Marika: Oh Earl. Other guy… Weve all missed this delightful and witty banter, and there will be much MUCH more, I promise. But first, lets hear from our resident refurbisher, our creative crafter, our uplifting upcycler… you know who she is, you can smell the PVA glue in the air… she’s been busy… fresh from the witness stand at the inquiry into that suspicious upholstery factory fire… Iiiiits Ninaaaaaaaaa!

*nothing happens for a good fifteen seconds; Marika jokingly glances at her watch a couple of times*

Nina: *sprinting onto the stage* …Hey there! *pant* I was just— *pant* in the— *pant* green room, and I— *gasp* didn’t realize I was on first tonight! *huff* Next time there’s a format change, maybe give me a heads up, Mackerdoodle. Hahhhh. Phew. Okay. Time to hit the gym. But first! I’ve got a fantabulous project for ages eight to eight hundred and eighty-eight.

*begins unbuttoning the pockets of her cargo pants, withdrawing various items*

Nina: As you can see, we’re going to need cotton balls, a glue gun, a set of acrylic fingernails (please select the jazziest available design), a large piece of driftwood, two ounces of vodka, some orange felt, a Jack in the Box with the Jack removed, and the official soundtrack of Operation Dumbo Drop. I’m sure you can all see where I’m going with this!

Marika: Well, this is embarrassing *chuckle* …Speaking of format change, you’re here to be interviewed Nina… *Pauses, tilting her head in Nina’s direction and mouthing “yeesh”* That’s what “The Cast Tells All” means. But hey! Why don’t you get started and work on your wacky and wondrous craft as we chat.

*Nina isn’t listening as she is furiously trying to peel the plastic and bargain bin sticker off the soundtrack for Operation Dumbo Drop, with little in the form of nails and little success*

Marika: Let’s bring Earl over here and get this started. Come on over Earl!

*Earl shuffles over to the couch as the band plays Pink’s “Get the Party Started”*

Earl: Thank you all for that insincere applause. And hello again, boss. I gotta tell ya, it’s a relief to be back on the Crap Show set after all these years. It’s been tough finding work out there. No one wants a house band anymore – cheaper to bring in some talentless tofu-hugger with a Macbook Pro. There’s no respect for true professionals anymore. I know over twelve songs, but what does that amount to if he’s got thousands on his hard drive, huh? And no one’s into quality rants these days, either. At my last gig, I’d been going for barely forty minutes about the poor stitching of modern jeanswear before the host banned me from all future Amnesty International events.

Marika: Is that right… You know I recently MC’ed a benefit for St-Sebastians Under-the-Sea Center for Oceanic Creature Consumption Warranting Concern and – and…

*Marika furrows her brow searching for the intended end to her sentence*

Marika: Um …Nina! Nina, youve been doing some charity work since we were last here.

Nina: Hmm? *looks up from gluing cotton balls onto driftwood* …Oh – that! Yeah, I’ve started volunteering for several organizations, using my creativity for good causes. Recently I shot a pinup calendar for Ducks Unlimited, featuring twelve hunky, shirtless mallards. On the front it says, “Time to restore your wetlands!” Ha, ha.

*Marika chuckles uncomfortably*

Nina: I also organized a deer petting zoo for the Heart & Stroke Foundation. “Hart” and “stroke,” get it?


Nina: …Yeah, that was the overall response. We lost thousands of dollars. Ironically, I almost had a stroke myself when I saw those revenues! Ha! Ha! Ha!… heh… But anyway, yes, it’s been extremely rewarding.

Marika: Good. Now Nina, you asked us not to bring it up, but it’s fabulous for our ratings, so… you went through a breakup with a pretty high-profile celebrity last year.

*Nina yelps as she burns herself with the glue gun*

Marika: Remembering that we’re a family-friendly show, why don’t you tell us exactly what went down during that last fight, in the most excruciating detail possible.

Nina: It was a romance like no other: a tale of beauty and deceit, nectar and venom, peanut butter and jealousy. I was reaching for a cup sleeve at Tim Hortons when his hand brushed mine. Our eyes met; the world tilted; I’d never seen someone so handsome. He wordlessly offered his arm, and we went for a walk in the park, ’neath flowering plum trees wrapped in moonlight. After exchanging phone numbers and locks of hair, we parted at dawn, our hearts now beating in time. It seemed like an eternity before we reunited, one minute later, outside our respective public washrooms. “Let us never be betrayed by our bladders again!” I cried, and we vowed never to let another drop of liquid pass our lips. Days later, while we were both on IV drips at the hospital, he cheated on me with a female janitor, twice, while I wept on the other side of the curtain. And that’s why you should never fall for Danny DeVito, no matter how suavely he doffs his golf cap.

Marika: You did Rhea Pearlman a favor, really. Like I did that time I picked up her dry cleaning. *glancing over at Nina’s craft* So anyways, what is that you’re whittling? Is there any way our viewers could achieve the same result without using their teeth?

Earl: *speaking loudly* I’m still here ya know. I mean C’MON, Jimmy Fallon engages with that guy with the comb in his hair.

Al: I have a comb in my hair!

Earl: Shut up Aleister. It isnt even the right kind of comb.

Al: You bite your tongue! It was my grandmother’s. It’s an heirloom. Rest in peace Gran-Gran…

*Al bows his head solemnly *

*Marika continues, as though nothing had happened*

Marika: So Nina, you were saying?

Nina: *spits out wood chips* Marika, if you and your lovely audience learn anything today, let it be this: tools are for fools. Home Hardware, Rona, Canadian Tire — all these crooks care about is your cash, period. But as you can see, any basic woodworking job, from sawing to sanding, can be done with just your incisors. That’s the gift our beaver ancestors left us.

Marika: Yes, there’s that. *Marika looks exasperatedly at the producer. The producer isn’t looking at Marika. He’s staring down his assistant’s blouse. She directs his attention to the stage, he looks up and gesticulates “wrap it up”* …Well Nina, I’m sure even the most beaver-like crafter can’t create such a beautiful, functional piece in just 48 minutes. Why don’t you pull out the finished product — and don’t worry all of you at home, the instructions to this, and all of Nina’s crafts, can be found on our website where you’ll find video tutorials from the Diva of Decoupage, our resident chocolatier Svetlana Chang, and more. The answers to life’s most burning questions can not be found anywhere. But you’ll at least find something entertaining on

*Nina pulls her finished craft from beneath the counter.*

Marika: *gasps* She’s still got it!

Nina: If you’ve been following my inspirational blog, Everyone Who Has Wronged Me (And What They Deserve), you’ll recognize my fourth-grade school librarian, Madame Gireault. I’ve tooth-carved my driftwood into a crude approximation of her torso, neck and head. Up here, cotton balls represent her hair, and jazzy fingernails suggest eyes and a wide-open mouth. I’ve replicated her infamous polyester turtleneck by gluing the orange felt to the body. Easy-peasy!

*The audience claps appreciatively*

Nina: Now, here’s the fun part. We set our sculpture down into our Jackless box, like so. I’ve actually narrowed the bottom part to fit into the top of the spring, see? Then, we blast ourselves some Dumbo Drop, do our two shots of vodka, set the turtleneck on fire, turn the crank to simulate helpless thrashing, and laugh as we watch the witch burn. *turns the crank vigorously; the flaming sculpture lurches up and down* Pahahahaha! Now who can’t borrow more than six magazines at a time, eh?? Scream, you tyrant! Pahahahahahahaaaa! Isn’t this fun, guys?? *flinches as her hair nearly catches fire* Oh — uh… well, ha, the flames should… they should go down on their own in a sec, I think. They’re really putting on a show right now, though! Heh… oh — okay. I guess they’ve actually spread to the box now, so I’m going to stop cranking, but you get the idea. So, uh… yep! Try it at home, y’all!

*The sculpture suddenly falls over and ignites the carpet*

Al: Holy f–!


Marika: Come now Al, it’s a family show.

*beeping continues*

Nina: The censors may not like it, but it’s actually a natural reaction to this piece. I get it all the time.

Earl: It’s not the censors you idiots. It’s the fire ala–

*Sprinklers go off. Water drips down Marika’s face as she tries to act as if nothing is happening*

Marika: That wraps up the reunion episode of Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing! My thanks to Nina, Earl, Al–

*Shouts and grunts begin to emerge from the studio audience. An elderly woman shrieks as she falls over a railing to reveal Antisocial Earl pushing his way through the crowd to the emergency exit*

Marika: Fuck it! I didn’t spend all that time in rehab to burn to death in this hell h—

*A lone voice grows fainter in the distance*

Singer: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…



Episode 6: Only the Good Die Young… And Also, This.

by misterneener

Station Note: The final episode of MCSoN’s original run featured resident craft guru Nina as guest host (covering for Marika, still in crab bowl rehab but officially making “appearances” at suspiciously witness-free charity functions). Nina ran a smooth show, while Antisocial Earl raised the “useless and disgusting” bar yet higher with his DIY segment. But the show’s core audience of conservative, middle-class families rejected these non-Marikan faces, leading to an abrupt cancellation.


Announcer: Howdy! Hello! How goes it! Welcome to an all new…

Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…

Announcer: We have a special show for you today because our usual host Marika is making a public appearance at the opening of the Saint-Pamplemousse school for the hearing-, seeing-, smelling-, feeling-impaired. Replacing her is our very own Nina (*muttering*) who will make freakish things? Here she is! Nina, come on out!

Nina: Well howdy and welcome to the show everyone! I’ve gotta say, when Marika asked me to host the show for her, I said “Great! Now I won’t have to kill you and forge a final request note as I’d planned.” You see, hosting Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing is equal in prestige, in my eyes, to proclaiming myself Queen of the Aztecs… 

*Sound guy whacks Nina’s head with mic pole*

Nina: Whoops! That’s the signal to shut up and hostify. Well, today we have Cindy Fay, writer of Christian romance novels; Stan “Shortstop” Michaels, a man with two stomachs; and finally, Antisocial Earl will teach us how to make cute mould sculptures! So Cindy, come on out!

*Cindy walks out and shakes everyone in the front row’s hand*

Cindy: God bless! God bless us! *extends a large wooden cross on a string to Nina that totally clashes with her outfit*

Nina: *low hiss* …Hah, sorry, just my vampire infection. Very mild. So, Cindy darling, what exactly is a Christian romance novel?

Cindy: *pointing at Nina’s cross* Try it on! Try it on! A Christian romance novel is the Lord’s way of brainwashing obese, ugly believers into thinking there is another human being who wants to share their life and soul with them. *giggle, modest smile*

*Nina reluctantly puts on cross; her neck instantly breaks out in hives*

Nina: Oh, that’s lovely. So brainwashing, huh? That sounds about right. I have a copy of your newest book here… that’s a great cover, with the menacing nun watching over the lovers in their bedroom… why don’t you tell us about it?

Cindy: Well, as you might have assumed by the fact that they share a bedroom, Ezekiel and Mary are married and do not support gay marriages. Élise, the nun, is there to guide them in their spiritual journey toward salvation. The “I Heart Jesus” babydoll you see Mary wearing was an Easter gift from all the other sisters in the monastery. Ezekiel likes it for its message. *waves at camera* I just want to give a joyous shout-out to “Stompin’” Father Steve and Pastor McGregor at the St. Lethargy parish.

Nina: Wow, that sounds… fun! And since our network censor isn’t in today, why don’t you read us one of your steamy sex scenes?

Cindy: “…And united in their faith and love they chose to pray for their very first child. They then completed the marital… um… *blushes* the marital… *clears throat* …act, with the baby Jesus, our Lord and Saviour in mind the whole time. They then bowed their heads in shame for having taken part in such ‘earthly pleasures’ and felt their self-respect grow in such repentance.” That was embarrassing! Hee hee hee. *kneels and prays* Amen.

Nina: Thank you, Cindy, that was deeply arousing! I think I’ll start going to church again this week… well, good luck to you, and praise Allah.

Cindy: Ugh? I don’t understand?

Nina: It’s probably better that way. Now, please welcome our next guest – scram, Cindy! – Stan “Shortstop” Michaels! He’s got two stomachs and MAN! LOOK AT THAT GUT!!

Stan: Whatchyou lookin’ at! Hunh! HUNH! Yo Ninaz whatsup! Whatsup withyou?

Nina: Oh, nothing much. Shaved my head, stuffed a pillow… by the way, I just made up that “Shortstop” nickname earlier, but I think I’ll change it to “Homer…” seems appropriate. *pokes Stan’s belly-button*

Stan: Stop it. I’ll rip you apart. *crazy eyes* *one eye drifts sideways*

Nina: Okay, I’ve had my fun. So Stan… when did you find out about the stomach thing? Or did you have it surgically implanted?

Stan: No?!

Nina: …um… So let’s say you were three, okay, sounds good… Would you say that being digestively enhanced has affected your life significantly?

Stan: Yeah *eye wanders again* yeah it affected things *grunt*

Nina: It affected things? Hah! That’s outrageous! I never would have thought that. You must have some killer acid reflux. Anyway, Stan, what are you some of your plans for the future?

Stan: I was going to eat a sandwich later… and then maybe a bumper.

Nina: Fantastic. Good iron content. Um… that’s all the time we have for Stan. We’ll be back with Earl right after this commercial!

Stan: Okay. *wandering eye*


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Nina: Yum-yum, china chunks. Well, usually at this point of the show, I’d be putting my years of artistic training to good use by making styrofoam underwear or something to that effect. But luckily for you, Antisocial Earl will be doing that today! How ya doin’ Earl?

Earl: Me? Is this what we were talking about Thursday? You want  ME on the show? Where is Marika? This is the right show, isn’t it? *nervous laugh* This is Monsieur Guénette’s classroom, is it not? Did you see my favourite mug? I think I left it last time… *turns and notices the camera in his face* Oh… hi. *stares at his feet*

Nina: So I guess you’ve switched antidepressants again. At least you’re not as surly. So, I see you’ve brought some of your mould sculptures. Do you have a theme happening here? *picks up a miniature mould kitten*

Earl: “Things that can be found in Nina’s lunchbox.” Like mould! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! *stares at feet again*

Nina: That’s great. I was wondering what happened to that lunchbox. Why don’t you tell our viewers at home how to make their own sculptures?

Earl: Well it’s very simple really. You gather as much mould as you can from various sources. Some people choose to wear gloves at this point but real troopers use their bare hands *camera zooms in on Earl’s hands, with mouldy fingernails* And once you gather enough mould, you roll it into a ball and then… you THROW IT AT UNSUSPECTING AUDIENCE MEMBERS!

*Audience shrieks*

Earl: Just kidding, I’m just kidding you guys. It’s just a joke. So then you take a fork to mend it into a shape you like – like a kitty cat. “Meow, meow.” *licks hand* And then you freeze it. *big grin*

Nina: Wow! Creatively disgusting. What a cute kitty! What other sculptures do you have here?

Earl: I made one of a hand *shows hand* That’s my hand. I’m just kidding about that. I made the Eiffel Tower, and I made a tree, and I made a sandwich, but Darryl from marketing ate it before the show. Heeheehee.

Nina: Well, there you have it, folks: another unstable genius who never sold a single piece. Tragic, really. And our thoughts here at the studio go out to Darryl, who was rushed to the hospital earlier. Thank you, Earl. You can go back to the band now to play the song!

Earl: Yeah.

Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…

Earl: FEATURING EARL! *gets pulled off stage while muttering* I’m Earl, that’s me. I’m Earl from the show…

Announcer: All guests on Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing were clothed by Grandma Mavis’s Closet, where quilts are sexy again! Living accommodations are provided by Earl’s mother.


Station Note: Will Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing ever return? Stay tuned — or… you know… plan to tune in again eventually, if possible — to find out!

Episode 5: Shellfish Ambition

by misterneener

Station Note: After the misfire of Épisode Quatre, the MCSoN team took the show back to its non-threatening English-Canadian roots. The return to form was well-received; in the words of Hilroy’s social media intern, “Great job @CrapShow for choosing #Hilroy Non-Recycled Blueline Classic®.” Overwhelmed by the tens of Google Alerts prompted by the episode, Marika briefly succumbed to a Honduran shrimp bowl addiction before seeking treatment from her shaman.


Announcer: Dewdrops quiver, clinging to the hairs on the ear of a calf. AWAKEN, pale sun, and free the night’s tear from her body’s own prison of form! EVAPORATE, noble drop, EVAPORATE into the –

*Producer takes away announcer’s script, turns it over, gives it back*

Announcer: …oh. Oh, the show, right. Whatever. It’s Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing.

Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…

Announcer: Here’s your host – who doesn’t have a certificate in creative writing from the community centre, by the way – Marika.

Marika: Uh… thank you, I think. Have we got a show for you today! Do we? *producer walks over and whispers* We have got a show for you today! Go figure. We are gonna have the guy who groomed Buddy, the dog from Air Bud; Jerry Seinfeld’s twin brother Gary, fresh off his first comedy tour entitled Why Him?! Oh God Why!; and finally, Nina will make us a bowl of shrimp… literally made of shrimp. Brody Selleck, come on out!

Brody: Marika! It’s been so long! Your hair is so dark and glossy today. Have you been eating those Pedigree bones I mailed you?

Marika: You got me there! Ha ha. So I’m told Buddy would chew those bones on set. Is that true?

Brody: *chuckles* Yeah, that Buddy loved his bones. He couldn’t get enough of them! In fact, he got so obese we had to put him down and replace him with Buddy II. Good thing all golden retrievers look the same! Buddy II was much smarter than Buddy I, but his tail wasn’t as silky and bright. *stares into distance*

Marika: And being his groomer, you had to deal with that every day – his tail not being silky or even bright enough…

Brody: Yes, I missed that tail… With Buddy II, I tried everything: avocado oil, Swedish spring water, daily massages by monks, protein paste… Nothing worked. So if you watch the film, you’ll find yourself inexplicably depressed all through the second half. Your mind perceives the tail’s dullness, though you may not consciously notice it.

Marika: Where did you find monks on such short notice? My shaman suggested I hire some actually. Is it true that they prefer to get paid with sesame seeds rather than actual money?

Brody: I don’t know where you heard that. I found a monastery in the Yellow Pages – Enlightenmentco – and they take VISA and Mastercard. And they really screw you on the blessing charges, let me tell you. But their massages are melt-worthy!

Marika: Awesome. Thank you for coming on the show today. I hear you have a facial at two, so we won’t keep you. Good luck with your next film The Kiwi and the Sasquatch.

Brody: I look forward to the unique aesthetic challenges that these two unique creatures present.

Marika: Goodbye now. *turns to the camera* Our next guest is a funny, funny guy who goes by the name of Seinfeld, you may have heard of him–

*Crowd goes WILD hugging one another and cheering*

Marika: –Gary Seinfeld, yay.

*Crowd falls silent*

Marika: Oh come on, guys. Gary come on out, hehe.

Gary: Helloooo! Lah lah lahh… I made up that voice you know. I used to drive Jerry nuts with it as a kid. Then he goes and steals it!

Marika: No one saw that one coming. So how does it feel to have your own tour?

Gary: It’s good to finally try out my own material. Most people are familiar with my brother’s observational humour; I’m more into morbid monologues full of disease and severed limbs. The teenagers today are all over it.

Marika: Does it bother you at all that your brother is rolling in money even though he doesn’t necessarily try to cater to the youth of today, while you are still behind on many of your bills, your landlord has shut off your hot water, and your fiancée has left you after two and a half years?

Gary: Uh… well, as I always say, we’re all going to die and rot someday, so material possessions are devoid of meaning. *waits for laughter* Yeah. Tough crowd. Heh heh… But seriously, Jerry and I get along fine. If he wants to lounge around in his giant mansion with his young wife and piles of cash without ever sending a cheque, well, that’s fine with me.

Marika: And now that’s the true meaning of family, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a beautiful thing: even if Jerry Seinfeld is the most famous comedian of our time, his brother Gary does not feel jealous. Well thank you very much for dropping by. *pats him on back* *turns toward camera* And you can catch Gary’s show tonight at Harold’s Great Crab Shack on Fifth Avenue. I’m sure we are all very excited. I’m very excited… *voice trails off*

Audience: *someone coughs*

Gary: Oh, go to heck. *stomps off angrily*

Marika: All right! All you gals and pals are gonna love what Nina has for us today. It’s useful AND smelly!

Nina: Hey hey! Well, spring is in the air, and you know what that means–

Audience Member: PONY RIDES!!!! *breathes heavily*

Nina: …Um, yes, pony rides, but I was going to say “patio parties”! And you just can’t have one of those without some sort of defrosted crustacean.

Marika: That’s exactly right, Nina. Why, just the other day I was at a patio party, thinking “This party has a significant lack of defrosted crustacean!” I had a terrible time. *turns to camera* Thanks again Sandra for organizing that. So Nina, show us how we do this!

Nina: Right-o mate! First, defrost the contents of a President’s Choice Shrimp Ring overnight. You may be tired the next morning due to sleepless anticipation, so have some coffee ready. Put the shrimp in a blender and turn it into pink pulp.

Marika: Yum! How will our viewers resist the temptation to eat it right away?

Nina: They should be aware that eating shrimp while the tongue is still coated in coffee is a poisonous snack! But if they choose to go on with the recipe, they must mix two eggs into the shrimp to make the whole thing sculptable. Grease the outside of a small bowl and shape the pulp over it, then bake for forty minutes at 350 F°. Then remove your edible, now-crispy bowl and do something with it.

Marika: Do you have any examples of what bowls like this have been used for in the past? I’m told they have some sort of historical value.

Nina: That’s right. There are passages in Plato’s Republic to suggest that Socrates stored his Cheez Whiz in shrimp bowls. They were also used as helmets by Napoleon’s army. Today, they are ideal to serve candy, cereal or salads. They make excellent cheap wedding gifts – you can make a whole set!

Marika: I was just about ready to get married just to get a shrimp bowl of my own, but now I don’t have to! Thank you very much Nina! Look under your seats everyone, because each member of our audience today will receive a set of shrimp bowls made by Honduran pygmies. Good day everyone!

*Audience goes wild*

Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…

Announcer: All guests on Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing are lodged in the dank, vermin-infested basement of the Château Laurier, side by side with all of Jean Chrétien’s former political enemies. This episode was brought to you by The Name of the Rose. The Name of the Rose: “Who Says Monks Can’t be Sexy?”


Episode 4: Molière doit se retourner dans sa tombe

by misterneener

Station Note: Known for pushing the boundaries of traditional — and even tolerable — talk show conventions, MCSoN’s production team made the bold decision to air an all-French episode filled with inside jokes. A ratings disaster, the episode nevertheless led to a worldwide ban on condiment-based feline sedatives. 


Voix hors-champ : Salut la compagnie ! En direct du fabuleux local de Sylvain « Tintin » Guénette – c’est L’Émission Emmerdée Nihiliste de Marika !

Chanteuses :L’Émission Emmerdée Nihiliste de Marikaaaa !

Voix hors-champ : Veuillez accueillir votre animatrice, Marika « Je porte un gilet » Scaramouche !

Marika : Bonjour à tous et à toutes ! Nous sommes ici, dans ce merveilleux local parfumé au dîner de Julie-Anne pour discuter avec nos invités fantabuleux, spastiques et névrosés de divers sujets emmerdants et donc, tout à fait passionants. Nous accueillons aujourd’hui « Socrate le sale », le salaud qui nous a apporté le projet « virus » de la FESFO, et Nina la nounoune qui nous montrera via vidéo comment dégriffer un chat en se servant d’outils retrouvés à la maison. Allons-y !

Socrate : Qui suis-je ?

Marika : Vous êtes Socrate, une preuve vivante – ou plutôt, morte – que l’alcoolisme, les mauvaises senteurs, et un mécontentement général de la société envers les hommes agés ne sont pas seulement des phénomènes d’actualité ! Votre femme m’a demandé de vous demander d’aller vous trouver une job !

Socrate : C’est pas de ma faute… j’ai été renvoyé de Agora Mart parce que je « corrompais les nouveaux employés » en leur montrant comment voler des punaises. De toute façon, les agoras de Agora Mart sont super cheap. Il n’y a plus de bons agoras philosophiques. Je suis obligé de m’installer dans un vestiaire au centre récréatif. Et Platon m’a abandonné pour l’Église de la Scientologie !

Marika : L’Église de la Scientologie a plusieurs nouveaux adeptes – y compris Tom Cruise ! Ouais ! *thumbs up* Maintenant vous restez chez Earl, notre musicien en chef. Croyez-vous qu’il va éventuellement vous donner la permission ?

Socrate : Bof, si je continue à me cacher dans la douche, il ne me trouvera jamais. Mais il risque de s’apercevoir que je mange tout son Cheez Whiz.

Marika : Donc, on peut déduire que Earl ne se lave pas ? Votre maïeutique socratique fonctionne très bien ! Est-il aussi en amour avec la collation céleri/Cheez Whiz ?

Socrate : Je crois qu’il eu reçoit plein car Kraft est un respectable commanditaire de votre émission. Il affectionne le lait frappé au Cheez Whiz… moi je préfère le manger à l’état naturel, c’est à dire avec mes mains. Et non, Earl ne se lave jamais… mais cela est digne d’un vrai artiste ! Les vrais artistes poursuivent leur passion avec une FOCALISATION totale, en risquant les odeurs et la lèpre.

Marika : Ça explique beaucoup, beaucoup, beaucoup… comme la marque orange que vous avez laissée sur ma main en entrant. Socrate, Tigerbeat 13 a écrit dans son article « 30 Oldest Dead People Who Could Have Been Hot » que vous pourriez être un « sexy mofo » si vous vous rasiez la barbe. Est-ce que vous le considèrez comme option pour éliminer votre problème de poux ?

Socrate : Non, non, vous avez mal compris. Earl a des poux. Moi, je ne prétends pas être artiste. Quelle farce ! Ho, ho, ho. J’habite dans une douche et je suis très propre. Mais, euh… « sexy mofo, » dites-vous ? Je me demande si ça pourrait m’attirer de jeunes Athéniennes… *filet de salive orange dégouline*

*Marika passe un napkin à Socrate*

Marika : J’imagine que vous pourriez attirer non seulement des jeunes Athéniennes, mais aussi tous les animateurs de l’émission Queer Eye for the Straight Guy ! En tant qu’homme grec, ça vous plaît sans doute !

Socrate : Je pense que vous venez d’offenser une bonne partie de la population de la Grèce contemporaine avec ce commentaire. Mais j’avoue que ce « Carson » fait frémir mes gonades ! Et ce petit « Jai, » quel exotique bijou ! *filet de salive orange dégouline*

Marika : Avez-vous déjà remarqué sur l’émission qu’ils donnent surtout leurs « makeovers » à des pompiers hétérosexuels ? En tout cas ! Socrate, dites-nous ce qui vous rend encore si populaire tant d’années après votre mort ?

Socrate : C’est probablement parce que je suis le père de la philosophie occidentale. En fait, c’est étonnant comment on se souvient de moi… Vous connaîssez le gros party à toges dans Animal House ? C’est en honneur de mon tribunal. Les tribunaux dans ce temps-là ressemblaient beaucoup à des fêtes. Ben quoi, c’était le début de la démocratie – on était encore très excités.

Marika : J’imagine ! J’ai toujours crû que cette scène d’Animal House ressemblait à la Grèce Antique mais on m’avait traîtée de folle… Bof. Merci Socrate d’avoir fréquenté mon émission aujourd’hui (bien que nous savons que vous n’avez pas d’autre place à aller). Jerry vous dirigera au bar de ciguë en arrière-scène.

Socrate : All right ! *court en coulisse, côté jardin*

Marika : Notre prochain invité est responsable de l’activité horrifiante du « Virus de la francophonie » qui s’est produit à De La Salle lors du premier semestre. Accueillons, aussi chaleureusement que possible, Jean-Gustave-Sylvain-Richard Gagnon-Marchand-Lalonde de la FESFO !

Jean-Gustave-Sylvain-Richard : Bonjour. Vous pouvez m’appeler Traits d’Union.

Marika : Ça fait intime. Bon ben, Traits d’Union, comment vous sentez-vous en sachant que grâce à votre projet, tant de De La Salliens pro-francophones ont reçu des menaces de mort ?

J-G-S-R : Peu importe combien d’entre nous meurent au combat ! Le virus fut un succès, car tous les assimilés furent AGAÇÉS ET ENNUYÉS ! HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!

Marika : Euh… Euh… Bon ! On pourrait appeler ça un « succès » mais aussi un désastre énorme. Surtout le dernier. Que pensez-vous du petit Timmy Johnson qui a reçu du Purell en plein dans les yeux suite à une animatrice surexcitée qui a tapé des mains avant que cette substance sèche ?

J-G-S-R : Je pense que Timmy Johnson était un agent des anglophones, envoyé pour causer un scandale et ruiner notre réputation. Tout le monde sait que le Purell n’a aucun effet négatif sur la membrane oculaire ! *sort une petite bouteille* Regardez… *arrose ses yeux de Purell* GAA—klj… mphh… *yeux bouchés, paupières gonflées* … vous… voyez ? Pas… d’problème !

Marika : Mais Traits d’Union, il y a du pus qui vous sort des yeux ! Et l’idée d’un agent des anglophones parmi nous est ridicule – il n’y a aucun anglophone parmi nous ! Le virus est votre idée, donc qu’est-ce que vous avez souhaité tirer de cette expérience ?

J-G-S-R : Le virus avait été conçu pour modifier le cerveau des jeunes Ontariens, pour enlever leur capacité de parler l’anglais. Malheureusement, puisque le virus était transmis sur des morceaux de papier affixés aux vêtements, l’effet fût négligeable. Nous travaillons cependant sur un prototype fait de carton rigide.

Marika : Le carton rigide est toujours la meilleure option. Merci Jean-Gustave-Sylvain-Richard d’avoir assisté à notre émission et bonne chance avec votre prototype plus rigide.

J-G-S-R : Merci. *se tourne vers la caméra* N’ayez crainte, jeunes francos opprimés ! La FESFO sera triomphante !!! POUVOIR À A RACE SUPRÊME !!!!!

Marika : Euh, oui. J’en suis certaine. C’est maintenant le temps que Nina la nounoune nous montre un truc super tripant. Et par tripant, on entend super pénible. Nina nous montrera, via vidéo, comment dégriffer le chat du studio, Griffons, avec des outils retrouvés à la maison. Nina, peux-tu nous entendre ?

Nina : …Dix sur dix, Marikiki ! Donc, je suis sûre que vous êtes tous tannés de payer des sommes ridicules pour chaque visite chez le vétérinaire. Mais si vous possédez un coupeur à pizza et des serviettes de bain, vous pouvez dégriffer vos chats en dix minutes ! Pas vrai, Griffons ?

Griffons : Miiaaaooouuuuuhh… *larmes*     

Nina : Comme vous pouvez voir, j’ai déjà fait la patte gauche de notre petit ami.

*zoom in sur la patte gauche, couverte de Band-Aids*

Marika : N’est-il pas MIGNON mesdames et messieurs !

*applaudissements de la foule accompagnés de « aaaaws »*

Marika : Bon, Nina, tu DOIS nous montrer ce que t’as fait sur la patte gauche ! C’est absolument SPLENDIDE !

Nina : Certainement. Je vais vous faire la démonstration sur l’autre patte. Premièrement, assomez le chat. A-hem-hem… *ouvre sa bouche et respire dans la face du chat*

Griffons : !!! *tombe*

Nina : Merci, sauce de Big Mac ! Et maintenant, le processus est assez simple…

Marika : J’aimerais prendre le temps de remercier McDonald’s pour les produits hygiéniques et médicaux que vous voyez à l’émission aujourd’hui.

Nina : …Donc, comme vous voyez, j’ampute le bout des « doigts » et je les dépose dans ce carton à frites. Le minou n’a rien senti ! Ensuite, on enveloppe la patte dans les serviettes pour prévenir la mort de l’animal. En passant, il est conseillé de bien laver le coupeur à pizza avant d’entreprendre cette activité.

Marika : Ça ne fonctionne pas aussi bien avec un coupeur de pizza graisseux, ça glisse partout. Est-ce que les serviettes doivent avoir une couleur ou un motif particulier ?

Nina : Préférablement quelque chose de doux, non-intimidant, pour que le chat se sente rassuré lorsqu’il se réveille sans moyen de défense.

*Griffons se réveille subitement et mord Nina au nez*

Nina : AÏE !! TABAR–

Marika : Ne serait-ce pas plus sécuritaire de contrôler Griffons à chocs électriques ? Peut-être que lors de la prochaine émission on peut lui enlever ses dents. *grand sourire avec « ding »*

Nina : *respire plusieurs fois dans le visage de Griffons* Aaahh ! il s’est immunisé contre la sauce !! Méchant Griffons !! Marikaaa, aide-moi ! Je–

*écran se remplit de statique*

Marika : Nina et ses blagues ! Ha ha ha ha ha HA ! Il ne nous reste plus de temps aujourd’hui, mais la prochaine fois Nina sera de retour avec d’autres blagues. Bon après-midi tout le monde !

Chanteuses :L’Émission Emmerdée Nihiliste de Marikaaaa !

Voix hors-champ : L’Émission Emmerdée Nihiliste de Marika vous est présentée par les barres de granola Quaker. Les barres de granola Quaker : c’est la seule religion avec sa propre collation.


Episode 3: Sock Puppetry of the Flea-ness

by misterneener

Station Note: The second extant episode of our series features the first appearance of Antisocial Earl, Marika’s misanthropic music man. It also elicited no fewer than zero letters of concern over the apparent on-screen death of a beloved children’s character. Social psychologists attribute this shameful tidal wave of indifference to the fact that no one watches television shows broadcast via lined paper. 



Announcer: OH MY GOD!!! COULD IT BE?!!! YES! It’s another episode of Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing!!!
Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…


Marika: Too much tequila is never a good thing… I went and drooled all over my new sequin-encrusted robe! I hope management didn’t get wind of that part—yoh! Hey there everyone and everyone watching at home hehe. Didn’t see ya there hehe *nervous glance* *To the announcer:* Why didn’t you call me like you usually— WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TODAY, ONE THAT I’M PARTICULARLY EXCITED ABOUT. We have Sanchez Pedro Velasquez, inventor of the ever-so-popular flea circus, come all the way from Guatemala; we’ve got Sleepy the fourth dwarf; and Nina is going to craft a harmonica out of tree bark and two dimes! So let’s get started! Sanchez, how you doin’?

Sanchez: I’m okay. Very good. A little hung over. Too much Orange Crush is never a good thing.

Marika: I hear ya brother!

*Sanchez has a stern look* 

Marika: OK. So why don’t you begin by telling us why, how and when the flea circus, as we know it, was created?

Sanchez: It began the day my mule, Julio, died. His fleas had nowhere to go, and they didn’t want to live on me because of my B.O., so I made them a small house. But they could not live without blood, so I moved them into a circus and charged people to “step right up.” Little did they know that the performers SUCKED in more ways than one! Han? Han?… *”give it to me” hand gestures*

Audience: Meh.

Marika: I suppose the fleas formed a brotherhood together. Nothing like teamwork to bring people, or even parasites, together! How did you know they were ready to go on the road?

Sanchez: The fleas were expressing an interest in tasting other people. One of them – Leon – suggested we move north, where people are fatter and hairier. So I bought a Cirque du Soleil tape and we never looked back.

Marika: Cirque du Soleil is Canadian, you know! You owe the Canadian people a lot of your success, what would you like to say to them right now?

Sanchez: Hola Canada! Your poutine-fed chinflab provides great, affordable homes for hundreds of flea communities and their egg clusters. Remember to check out my circus when we visit your town!

*Fleas wearing sombreros cheer from his mustache*

Marika: Thank you kindly Sanchez, and we will! Everyone in the studio audience today is receiving two tickets to a flea circus in your town.

*Sanchez gets up and reaches to take Marika’s hand but does the typical hair graze instead, thousands of fleas jumping on his hand biting him in joy, because Marika doesn’t reach her hand to shake back*

Sanchez: Aye aye aye! *leaves the stage*

Marika: Our next guest made his big screen debut in the 1940s when he first yawned his way into our hearts. Sleepwalking onto our stage today: Sleepy the fourth dwarf!

Sleepy: zz… nyup nyup… actually, it was 1937… zzzz… pleasure to be here… zzz… oh yeah and it’s LITTLE PERSON you insensitive ho… zzzz

Marika: Funny dwarves, always making jokes about human rights issues. Cute little guys… So why haven’t we seen Sleepy the dwarf on stage or screen in so long? Where have you been hiding?

Sleepy: I’ve been doing… a lot of fundraisers for the… zzz… Yugoslavian Society for Narcolepsy Research… you know… zzz… hosting coffee tastings… zzz… celebrity slumber parties… pajama drives… zzzzz…

Marika: What were your fans’ reactions when you first came out about your sleep apnea in 1993? Were they supportive?

Sleepy: zzzzz… huh? Umm… yes, they were… well, all three of them… I was voted least popular dwarf back in seventy-six so… zzzz… huh? umm… yes, they were… very supportive… zzzz… huh? umm… yes, they were…zzzz… huh? umm… Charlie Horse is a jerk… Hush Puppy, now he’s a good guy… zzzzz… Lamb Chops is a lesbian, did you know that?… huh? zzz… huh?… zzz… huh? umm… zzzz…

Marika: No, no I didn’t. So how did you react when your doctor told you it was fatal – *producer comes and whispers* No wait, no, he didn’t know that? Oh…

Sleepy: zzz… hmm…… what? WHAAAT?? You mean I could DIE in my sleep? No fair!!! I haven’t done anything wrong… okay, so maybe Dopey wasn’t always bald, but you can’t prove I was involved!!! NO ONE CAN!!! I – zzzzzz…

Marika: We always like to joke around with our guests! Silly Sleepy, did you hear “fatal”? Why, I said “endearing”! They can sound alike at times hehe. You know, “E” is right before “F” in the alphabet an’ all… *voice drifts off*

Sleepy: zzz… zz… — *stops breathing*

*Marika hits Sleepy on the chest repeatedly, trying to pass it off as a friendly tap while giggling nervously*

Marika: He’s tired, he’s just really tired from his flight. *aside:* Hey Gary, maybe you should, you know, take him backstage… *awkward smile to the camera* We’ll be right back.


Sock Puppet: Have you been injured in a motor vehicle accident?

Mummy: *sadly* Uh-huh.

Sock Puppet: McGee and Shweinberg can help you FIGHT BACK! *balls into a fist and punches a guy*

Guy: OW! Stupid justice!!

Mummy: Gee, thanks McGee and Shweinberg!

*Shot of Mummy relaxing in a hot tub with babes*

Song: Be a smart mummyyyy / Profit from injuryyyy! ♪


Marika: McGee and Shweinberg sure helped me when I got my right leg severed by one of those Barbie cars. You know the ones? You know the commercials with little girls in pigtails driving?

*Turns to music guy*

 Marika: How’s the wife and kids?

Antisocial Earl: None of your business.

Producer: *mouthing* Get – the – hat!

*Stagehand sheepishly runs onstage, grabs Sleepy’s hat and runs offstage*

Producer: Earl!…

Antisocial Earl: Whatever. *band plays “La Cucaracha”*

Marika: That’s the spirit! Let’s see what wacky Nina has for us today! Hey Nina, what’s going on? I barely recognized you in that costume! What does it have to do with what you are going to show us today?

Nina: What? Oh, you mean this sequined wetsuit and African mask? I have no idea. I haven’t done the laundry in weeks. But today we’re going to carve our very own bark harmonicas! Did everyone bring their bark – and their two times?

*Audience members wave materials*

Nina: Awesome! I LOVE YOU!!

Marika: I love you too Nina! God, isn’t she just a DAARLING! I brought my bark and dimes. What next?

Nina: Simple. Place the bark in your mouth, like thith, an’ – GNNRRR! — *spits out bark* bite down to make the holes. This is how real metal harmonicas are made! Next, go outside, place the dimes in a hat as an “example,” and play your sorrows away. Well, actually, your sorrows will only go away once you have enough change for a sandwich.

Marika: In what kind of environment must the hat with dimes be placed in order to collect enough change for a sandwich?

Nina: That’s a moderately great question! Place the hat on a side-walk… *writes “sidewalk” on Marika’s desk in permanent marker* …with many pee-pull… *same* …walking by. It helps if you’re not naked… this I’ve learned by experience.

Marika: No kidding. *places tongue in cheek pensively*

*Producer rushes out and bashes desk with a caveman-style club*

Marika: Oh. Oh yeah! All right, Nina, what’s next? *stares backstage*

Nina: Uh… you, uh… *sweats* Okay, I’ll be honest… I didn’t actually prepare for this… I don’t know how to play the harmonica, with or without clothes. I just grabbed some bark and two dimes and ran to the studio. It’s just so hard to live up to your expectations that I’m a “whiz” at everything!!

Marika: You are the weakest link, goodbye. *to the audience:* Don’t worry folks, Nina will be in the Pit of Death for four or five hours only. This concludes this episode of…

Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!… ♪

Announcer: All guests on Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing are lodged in Larson Wood Simulation desks. Larson Wood Simulation: Real Enough to Fool a Beaver!

*Shot of beaver dam made of desks*


Episode 2: There Shall Be No Beginning to Your Woes

by misterneener

Station Note: It is believed that an earlier episode of Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing was produced, but no trace of such footage has been found, whether stored in our program archives or jammed in our plumbing. We therefore kick off the series with its better-preserved second episode, no doubt prompting a lively debate among MCSoN diehards on the issue of the pilot episode’s canonicity.

The first page of the first episode that matters.


Announcer: What! Illin’ in the hood, gettin’ nasty with the Philosophy Posse – it’s Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing, dawg!

Singers: Marikaaa’s Crap Show of Nothiiing!…

Announcer: Now, y’all be layin’ out the ‘spect for yo host, Marika Bling Crib Pimp Byatch E-lady!

Marika: Word to your mother announcer guy *wink* Why hello there all my home boys, home girls and viewers at home *chuckle* We have a hip hoppin’, pill poppin’ show for you today featuring Vanilla Ice’s cousin, Mocha Slushie; Nutty the water-skiing squirrel (and his trainer); and Nina, our wood-working diva, will show us how to build a birdhouse out of fishing wire, peanut butter, Cheerios and praying mantises! Let’s get this ghetto blast going with our first guest!

Mocha Slushie: Hello, Marika. I see you have a desk. That reminds me of a funny story involving my two-year-old son.

Audience: Awwww.

Mocha Slushie: Actually, I don’t have a son, but my agent said toddler anecdotes always kill.

Marika: So after your terribly short career in the music business, you have resorted to the merciless killing of American civilians with toddlers. Is that what is to be understood by your agent’s statement?

Mocha Slushie: What? Did I just – hey, you know who sucks? George Bush!

Audience: Boo! Hiss! Moo! Moo? Booo!!!

Mocha Slushie: Phew! Dodged that awkward question. So, Marika, are you going to plug my book, or…

Marika: I’m getting there you eager beaver you! So you’ve got this book out, selling in Starbucks around the world. Why don’t you remind our viewers of its title and what it means to you!

Mocha Slushie: It’s called Slushin’ Around: My Life as a Legitimate Artist. In it I shout out to my relatives, friends, acquaintances and delivery people, then talk about how I met various celebrities in bars and rehab clinics. Oh yeah, and there’s a bit about my music, too. Basically, I wrote this book because I felt my fans needed to relate to me on a more intimate level. That and I’m broke.

Marika: Did they not fix that in rehab? The being broke? *concerned Oprah-like look*

Mocha Slushie: Nah, I didn’t get into that good rehab where they hand out money. They made me talk about my crippling childhood traumas and then sent me out on my ass – without my coping drugs!

Audience: *gasp*

Marika: And by drugs you meant hugs no doubt, hehe. Hugs from friends and family heeheehee *nervous glance at network execs* Speaking of which, how are things with your cousin Vanilla Ice who –

Audience: *cheers loudly*

Marika: – who surpassed you in terms of popularity and recognition, and not to mention is ten times richer than you’ll ever be.

Mocha Slushie: He doesn’t return my calls. Actually, we’ve been a little distant ever since that “Vanilla-Mocha Swirl” TV special. Okay, so they were engaged. She still looked like any backup dancer to me! As for his popularity, I think it’s obvious that he has a small penis.

Marika: That was my next question actually: do you think he will ever come back into the public eye after his 1993 comeback special where an overzealous fan pantsed him on a live broadcast?

Mocha Slushie: You never know with Vanilla. Despite his bland namesake, he’s a bold fellow. He’ll do anything, anytime, for no reason. Does that make him a jackass? Yes, probably. *sips water*

Marika: That’s not actually the water we provided. Here, let me take that vodka from you there. There you go, water is much better. *passes Mocha Slushie a sippy cup* Well, Mocha, thanks for coming on our show today and best of luck.

*Stage helpers take a drunk Mocha Slushie offstage as he drools and yells obscenities*

Mocha Slushie: …jealous… he was ALWAYS jealouss… Snappin’ loser wacko bum-face!!

Marika: Our next guest is hairy, athletic, was on Person magazine’s Thirty Hottest Creatures list and is only a few inches tall. Say hello to Nutty the water-skiing squirrel!!! – and his trainer.

Nutty: Tstn tstn tstn! (animal tongue-clicking noises)

His Trainer: That there’s Nutty-talk for “Hello!”

Audience: Awwww.

Marika: He sounds so educated! So Nutty, tell me how you knew water-skiing was for you? When did you start?

Nutter: Tstn tstn, tstntn tstn-tst-tsntn tstn…

His Trainer: As a child… I was rescued from a woodland environment… and brought to my new home… at Goodwell Chemical Industries, Inc. There, I was… injected with… salt water and SPF-30… for many months.

Marika: Wow! That seems like a beautiful story: uplifting, inspirational, nutritional and crunchy. I read in your thirty-page autobiography that your seventeen siblings were shipped off to Peru to work in peanut butter factories. How does it make you feel knowing that while you are doing publicity stunts, your own flesh and blood are churning peanuts into butter for – well – peanuts a day?

Nutty: Tstn tstn tstn tstnt-TSTNT!

His Trainer: They’re surrounded by peanuts… I have to eat protein mush… ‘nuff said!

Nutty: Tstntsnt.

His Trainer: …Ah, can you edit that out? Nutty’s been a little surly lately. It’s mating season, you see, and Goodwell Chemical Industries removed his “fun parts” last week.

Marika: Well, I’m sorry to hear that. That must have really cramped your style! How has that affected you with the ladies? Do they not wanna get busy with you? What does the typical lady squirrel think of androgyny?


His Trainer: Well, ah, Goodwell has provided the necessary substitutes. Did you know Tom Green is a licensed animal fondler now? …Anyway, I’m sure your audience can’t wait to see Nutty do his water-skiing trick…

Audience: Yayy! *applause*

Nutty: *sigh*

Marika: Oh yeah – that. I think Nutty can speak for himself, trainer person. *big booming announcer voice* LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! TODAY AND TODAY ONLY, I PRESENT TO YOU: NUTTY THE WATER-SKIING SQUIRREL!!!

*A platform with KFC bucket filled with water rises from below the stage. A cute scruffy squirrel is on the water, equipped with skis and a little helmet.*

Nutty: I will now perform for you my hilarious, fatally dangerous, and adorable trick. Watch as I am dragged across this bucket of greasy water by a battery-powered toy boat. Be amazed.

*Trainer flicks switch on toy boat; Nutty goes around the bucket a few times, does a backflip*


Marika: All right, all right, no need to get upset hehe. Why don’t we all calm down. By the way, Nutty, you speak excellent English for a squirrel. Where did you learn that?

Nutty: Where else but at the SYLVAN LEARNING CENTRE? *smile with little sparkle and “ding” noise*

Marika: Well, thank you very much for your time, Nutty! We’ll have to see you again soon!

*Trainer puts Nutty back in his cage. Nutty bites his finger*

Marika: It’s now time for Nina’s crazy antics! What are you making for us today, Nina? I hear it’s for the birds and it rhymes with mouse! *winks towards the screen* ha ha. Show us how to do it!

Nina: Woohoo! Okay people, we’re going to make a funky flat for our feathered friends using a bunch of random crap. You’ll need a powerful glue gun. They take a few minutes to heat up, so in the meantime I’ll just do a little dance. *rolls up top, starts belly-dancing to “Hey Ya”*

*Audience gets out of their seats and does the same – including an obese balding man with an uncanny resemblance to George from Seinfeld in the back row*

Marika: All right people, take it easy hehe. Nina, why don’t you tell us what else to do.

Nina: Sure thing, Mackie. First, use the fishing wire to choke and tie up each praying mantis. When they’re not prayin’ no more, smear them with peanut butter and assemble them in the shape of a teepee, or “red-skin shack.” Have some of the legs stick out as perches. Use more wire to make a bottom and a little hook. Fill the thing with Cheerios and hang in your favourite tree! Oh yeah, don’t forget to replace the mantises every couple of weeks. They tend to get infested with aphids.

Marika: Phenomenal! Amazing! This concludes another episode of Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing. Join us next time for more rip roarin’ fun!

Announcer: zzzzzzzz…

*Singer pokes him the eye*

Announcer: OW! Motherf– oh, uh… All guests on Marika’s Crap Show of Nothing are lodged in the sickest crib in the D to the L. S., G-Lad’s Perm TeachBox on the tri-level, yo! Catering provided by Shawarma Palace. Shawarma Palace: It ain’t really a palace, but the chairs are nice.


Thanks for joining us

by Marika

Everyone in today’s audience wins the chance to view the “About The Show” section!

YOU win the chance to view it! And you! And you over there! And YOU! (need I go on?)